When I was writing here last time, in March 2017, I was telling you about all these important steps I was beginning to tackle. One at a time, they help me realise that time is passing, that things are getting better, and can get better.
Since last time, my name change was approved, and I began the long task of making sure that this change would be reflected with any organisation or agency that knows me. It’s a long exhausting process. Sometimes, it’s the opportunity to discover discriminatory or humiliating behaviours. But it’s also an opportunity to feel satisfied after having checked every one of the many boxes in the list of entities to contact.
Since last time, I’ve met new people and my friendships have grown stronger. Everyday, my body is becoming more my body. I believe that this life journey, this Niléane I’ve always needed and who is slowly settling down, is forging something new inside me. I believe it is a certain form of self-confidence. I can trust my ability to cope, I can trust my own presence.
Then I realise I can take pictures of myself and actually like what I’m seeing.
It’s a new feeling that comes and goes, but it’s a feeling that is settling down and it’s becoming easier and easier to grasp.
People tell me here and there how important I am, how important my simple story is, how it really does matter, whether it’s in the form of 140-character rantings, of carefully selected photos, or in the form of little responses to anonymous questions. They can confirm I’m a woman before I’m a trans woman. They congratulate me on being courageous and determined.
How can I believe them? How can I believe them when some days, everything seems to try and prove me wrong? How can I believe them when some days, everything makes me understand that I’m merely wasting oxygen? I don’t really know how, but sometimes I still do believe them and I realise I’m feeling better when I do.
Last time, I ended my post thanking those who love me, but also allowing myself the luxury of thanking myself. I found this recipe to be working for me. I’m renewing it tonight. Thank you, to all those who love me, I love you. And then, thanks to myself, maybe I’m loving who I am.