I chose a new nickname to better deal with my gender identity struggle.

Perhaps.

So, I have a new nickname.

Nildëala

My name doesn’t define me, just like my genitals didn’t define my gender. It’s unfortunate really, because a name sticks. What makes my name my name is that others use it, not only me. Also, my name being my ID, changing it can, will, be a real pain.
My nickname doesn’t define me either. I choose it as placeholder for my virtual, online, and various other presences.

Oh, wait, I choose it…


I’ve been using Schoewilliam as my nickname for what seems to be forever. It’s one of those nicknames you make up when you’re looking for something obvious, or when you don’t want to look for anything fancy. It was the contraction between Schoelcher (a nickname I had used on forums) and William (my assigned first name).

Today, it had to go. Everyday, I’m questioning my gender identity. And just like I came out early as non-heterosexual  —  because that was the only thing I was a hundred percent confident about  —  I am today slowly coming out as non-male. And even though that’s only a nickname, even though there is nothing wrong for a non-male person to wear it, I feel it doesn’t fit. And it never really did.
And that is too bad, isn’t it? My nickname is among my only names I can easily choose and act upon. Today I’m choosing one that won’t remind me of my assigned first name.

My name still won’t define me, nor will my nickname. Choosing, changing, creating a name will help me define myself. And perhaps I will find myself as well.

Niléane